The Year in Horror (2016) – The Most Disappointing Films

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2016, Abattoir, cinema, Don't Breathe, film reviews, Ghostbusters, He Never Died, horror, horror films, I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House, most disappointing films, Movies, Tank 432, The Conjuring 2, The Good Neighbor, The Last Heist, The Neon Demon, year in review, year-end lists

At long last, we arrive at the beginning of the end: the final breakdown for the year in horror, circa 2016. We’ll be examining the best, the worst and the ones that got away (so far) in later posts but I always like to start with the ones that coulda been contenders first. These are the films that had tons of potential (at least in my eyes), yet managed to drop the ball in some pretty crucial ways.

By this point in the year, I’ve managed to screen 179 of the 259 horror films released/scheduled for this year, meaning that I’ve seen 69% of all horror films released in 2016. Of those 179, I’ve whittled the list down to the ten most disappointing films of the year. Keep in mind that these weren’t the worst (with one exception) but they were the ones that were capable of so much more. With no further ado and in no particular order, I now present the evidence to you humble members of the online jury.

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Ghostbusters

There were a lot of routes that Paul Feig’s Ghostbusters reboot could have taken: it could have been a straight-up nostalgia fest, full of cameos from the original duology…it could have been a sly, feminist commentary on the inanity of modern-day online fanboydom and the expectations of genre fanatics…it could have been a remake, a reboot, a realignment or any other re- that you care to add…it could have been a big, dumb, loud, CGI-heavy popcorn flick…really, the world was its oyster.

In reality, Feig’s Ghostbusters ended up being ALL of these things, which only served to dilute the final product down to the lowest common denominator. With no clear vision, the film whiplashed from snarky meta-commentary to unbelievably dumb CGI spectacle with an ease that did nothing but give me a headache. This wasn’t the worst ghostbusting-related film of 2016, by a long shot (that title belongs to the woeful Ghost Team), but it was the one that had the potential to be a neo-classic and that missed opportunity was a real bummer.

Abattoir

I happen to like writer/director/all-around maniac Darren Lynn Bousman quite a bit, finding his Repo: A Genetic Musical to be an unsung modern cult classic, along the lines of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and thoroughly enjoying his batshit crazy art projects like The Devil’s Carnival and Alleluia. Hell, I don’t even particularly mind his Saw films, even if that franchise is a study in diminishing returns.

In other words, I was really looking forward to his ingenious haunted house film, Abattoir, which featured the thoroughly unique concept of an evil man cobbling together the ultimate haunted house by cutting out particular rooms from various crime scenes and stitching them together into one Frankensteinian monstrosity. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a logline worth getting excited for.

The actual film, unfortunately, is a complete and total piece of shit, easily the worst “film” that Bousman has released and one of the very worst films of the entire year. Nothing works, the film manages to completely squander a fantastic cast (poor Lin Shaye!) and the whole concept is completely dropped for a swing into Mouth of Madness territory that’s so inept, it feels like parody. In a year full of surprises, both good and bad, this was easily one of the worst.

He Never Died

This tale of Henry Rollins as an immortal, cannibalistic but, ultimately, very human and flawed “hero” had so much going for it (Rollins is quite good, for one) that it kind of hurts when it devolves into stupid comedy and tedious, indie film “run and guns.” There are moments where the concept is allowed to fully breathe and, for those brief moments, He Never Died is actually kind of special. For the most part, however, this is a classic case of filmmakers coming up with a better idea than they have the ability to actually portray.

The Conjuring 2

I thoroughly enjoyed James Wan’s original The Conjuring, along with the first Insidious. Since that time, however, the Waniverse has started to look suspiciously like the same film, with slightly different clothes, akin to those old RPGs where you could tell an enemy was different because they were blue instead of red.

This has got all the typical Wan trademarks: creepy old house, lots of jump scares, lots of creepy figures popping up in the background and doing creepy things, Patrick Wilson and Vera Fermiga doing their best to add gravity to the silliness…if this was a checklist, it would hit all the appropriate boxes. The problem, of course, is that none of it is actually scary or even particularly interesting, by this point, lending everything a dull sheen of “been there, done that.” Not the worst big-budget horror film released in theaters, this year, but easily one of the most forgettable.

The Neon Demon

I’ve dearly loved every single Nicolas Winding Refn film, so fully expected The Neon Demon, his first official foray into horror, to top my Best Of list for the year. As it turned out, I ended up really disliking the film, finding it to be exceptionally beautiful, visually, but completely empty and thoroughly frustrating. I’ve seen lots of year-end lists that extol the film for everything from its ultra-lush visuals to its tricky, feminist reimagining of the typical “starlet gets lost in L.A.” trope but I can’t help but feel this is another example of lauding a film for its intentions rather than its actual outcome. I can fully appreciate what Refn was trying to do and still think he’s one of the very best cinematic auteurs of our era. This doesn’t stop The Neon Demon from being a stinker, however, and one of my very biggest disappointments of the whole year.

I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House

I love old-fashioned, austere ghost films, the more Gothic, the better. This had all the trappings, from an appropriately gauzy visual aesthetic to a supremely leisurely pace (some might call it slow but that’s easily the film’s smallest issue) but it was missing the most important aspect of any film: a genuine sense of tension, danger or any kind of stakes. More than anything, IATPTTLITH comes across as a style exercise, an attempt by a modern filmmaker to replicate an older style of genre film without really understanding what made those films work in the first place. This is too well-made to be written off as a complete loss and some of the visual effects are genuinely unsettling. For all that, however, I couldn’t help but be disappointed at what could have been, with more focus and a tighter grasp on the mechanics of the story.

Tank 432

Three things I love: British horror films, modern British war films and Michael Smiley. Tank 432 was supposed to feature all of these elements, all but assuring it a place on my favorites list. In reality, Tank 432 is an awful mess, predisposed on a twist that’s so obvious and silly that it thoroughly wrecks any of the preceding atmosphere or creepy elements. You wouldn’t think that a film about an army platoon who must take refuge in a broken-down tank from monstrous, unseen forces would be so dull, confusing and frustrating but you, like me, would be very wrong, indeed.

Don’t Breathe

I actually enjoyed Fede Alvarez’s re-do of Sam Raimi’s classic Evil Dead, so I was curious to see what the burgeoning, young filmmaker could do with an original concept. This film, about shitty young Detroiters trying to rob a blind war veteran and getting much more than they bargained for, has a lot going for it: the film careens along like a rollercoaster, there are plenty of smart, intense setpieces and Stephen Lang is an instantly iconic “villain.” In other words, a complete classic.

Or it would have been, had the actual film not been so dumb, mean-spirited and predisposed on one eye-rolling deus ex machina after another. This is the kind of film where nothing would happen if any of the characters displayed even a modicum of common sense or desire for self-preservation, the kind of movie where you shout yourself hoarse telling the on-screen idiots to just use their goddamn brains for thirty seconds. In many ways, Don’t Breathe is this year’s It Follows: hailed by everyone and their granny as being the second-coming of horror but so far below the year’s very best as to be laughable. And let’s not even get started on the turkey baster…

The Last Heist

Mike Mendez makes big, loud, dumb and relentlessly fun genre films (his Big Ass Spider! is still one of my very favorite modern cheeseball horror films), the equivalent of PBR tallboys out of an ice-filled cooler. The Last Heist, about hapless bank robbers choosing to rip off the one financial institution that happens to be frequented by a stone-cold serial killer (Henry Rollins, being Henry Rollins), has lots of silly action but there’s never a real spark or sense of unmitigated mayhem and fun. This felt like a made-for-cable movie, with all that implies, and could never quite shake the stigma. While too good-natured and zippy to really dislike, this was also rather dull and found me frequently checking my watch, a first for any Mendez film. Not a strikeout, per se, but a supremely weak bunt to first base.

The Good Neighbor

This had a great cast (Logan Miller and Kier Gilchrist are two of the most interesting young actors currently treading the silver screen and James Caan is James fricking Caan, fer chrissakes!) and a fairly interesting concept but managed to collapse into soggy, Lifetime Channel territory by the time the lame twist reared its ugly head. This is also only marginally a horror film (very marginally), making it one of the films I screened this year that doesn’t quite fit in with the rest. As such, this was a double disappointment: very little horror and a complete squandering of James Caan. Again, not the worst of the year, by a long shot, but so dull, generic and painfully obvious as to be a real chore to sit through.

The 31 Days of Halloween (2016): 10/8-10/14

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31 Days of Halloween, Antibirth, Bunni, cinema, Dark, film reviews, films, Ghost Team, Ghostbusters, Halloween, Halloween traditions, horror, horror films, I Am Not a Serial Killer, Movies, October, Phantasm, Rebirth, Terrortory, The Alchemist Cookbook, The Darkness, The Greasy Strangler, The Hoarder, The Neon Demon, The Shallows

With no fanfare, I now present Week Two of the 31 Days of Halloween. The fifteen films below represent quite the gamut, from old classics to modern rubbish. The only uniting factor? They’re all horror (give or take) and they were all screened between October 8th and October 14th. On to the films!

The Alchemist Cookbook

Joel Potrykus’ insane Buzzard (Holden Caulfield with Krueger claws, stickin’ it to the phonies and getting frighteningly metaphysical) was one of my very favorite films of last year, so the wait for his follow-up, The Alchemist Cookbook, was nothing short of excruciating. Good thing it’s just as amazing, insane and mind-blowing. Imagine, if you can, a world where Evil Dead, Repulsion, A Field in England and the Sorceror’s Apprentice segment of Fantasia are all the same film. Easy, right? Now imagine that Mickey is a mentally unbalanced, potentially dangerous loner who just discovered either the secret to turning lead into gold or a portal straight into Hell. Or not. The beauty of Potrykus’ latest is that you just don’t know, right up until the point where he pulls the tablecloth off, leaving every last bit of crystalware standing, unmoved. As expected, one of my favorite films of the year, hands down.

I Am Not a Serial Killer

If there’s one thing you can’t call Irish writer/director Billy O’Brien’s coming-of-age/supernatural thriller I Am Not a Serial Killer, it would definitely have to be “middle-of-the-road.” The Isolation auteur’s latest involves a small-town teen (the absolutely astounding Max Records, who deserves an acting nomination) who must discover what dark force has been murdering the locals, all while surpressing his own, burgeoning psychopathic tendencies. The scene where Max calmly explains how he just starts complimenting people whenever he thinks about killing them, right before profusely complimenting the town bully, is an absolute masterstroke. Toss in Christopher Lloyd as a kindly old neighbor with a terrible secret, some genuinely disturbing violence and a creature design that’s suitably weird and you have the makings of a pretty fantastic little film. There’s also a nice streak of gallows’ humor that runs through the proceedings, lightening the mood considerably.

The Neon Demon

Full disclosure: I’m a pretty huge fanboy when it comes to Nicolas Winding Refn: I’ve dearly loved every one of his films that I’ve seen, from the extraordinary, magical-realism of Bronson to the “too cool for school” style over substance of Drive and Only God Forgives. Hell, I absolutely adore Valhalla Rising and that one’s even a tough sell for art film fans. This is all by way of saying that I really disliked his newest, The Neon Demon, almost to the point of actively hating the film. Tedious, silly, obvious and rather obnoxious, Refn approaches this moldy tale of the fashion industry literally chewing up and spitting out young women like he has something new to add, only to come up with something that feels like a lesser version of Starry Eyes. While the film looks absolutely stunning (from the glitter-imbued opening credits all the way through the Grand Guignol model shoot that ends the film, The Neon Demon is, without a doubt, one of the best looking films I’ve ever seen), it’s as empty as a foam mannequin head. Easily one of the biggest disappointments of the entire year.

Phantasm: Remastered

Even when new films are on the agenda, you still have to sneak a few classics in: that’s just tradition. Don Coscarelli’s Phantasm has always been one of my favorite films (the series, not so much), so watching it in a glorious, cleaned-up, 4K transfer is pretty damn awesome. The film is still as weird and nonsensical as it ever was (Demon Jawas? Creepy, trans-dimensional undertakers? Reggie?!) but it now looks better than ever. If you’re an old fan, be sure not to skip this remaster: it’s absolutely worth another look.

Bunni

I’ve seen a lot of truly terrible, bottom-of-the-barrel crap this year but Bunni earned it’s spot at the bottom with an ease that is truly scary. The film looks like shit, the actors aren’t (and never will be, I’m guessing), it’s impossibly tedious, has zero wit, invention or brains and seems to have been edited by someone who graduated from the Ed Wood School of Film and Stuff. It’s also only a little over an hour long, excluding credits, which ends up being the only bright spot, ironically. I have seen quite a few zero budget 2016 horror films that managed to be clever, unique, fun and interesting, despite their shortcomings. By comparison, watching Bunni is like willingly slamming your thumb in a door, over and over, for the better part of an hour. My advice? Don’t.

Antibirth

Some films dip a toe in the weird end of the pool and some films dive right in with gusto: writer/director Danny Perez’ Antibirth is a diver, through and through. Any mere description will fail to touch on just how fundamentally weird this is but here goes: after a wild night of drinkin’ and druggin,’ local burn-out Lou (the impossibly awesome and perfect Natashsa Lyonne, in a truly award-winning performance) wakes up sick, foggy and, apparently, very pregnant. With the help of her best friend, Sadie (the equally radical and amazing Chloe Sevigny), Lou must find what, exactly, happened to her before something even worse happens. By turns hilarious, sad, really weird, gross and a little frustrating, Antibirth isn’t as amazing and outrageous as it could have been but Lyonne and Sevigny make a dynamite combo and the finale will go down as one of the most unforgetttable, unpleasant and amazing things I’ve ever seen. It’s also great to see a horror film that not only focuses on female characters but also on female relationships, dynamics, gender issues and themes. Not perfect, by any means, but pretty darn cool.

Ghost Team

Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? This “comedy” about a team of amateur ghosthunters is terrible…absolutely wretched. Caustically unfunny (it actually made me angry), smug, stupid, obvious, manic, idiotic and a complete waste of a rather serviceable cast (Jon Heder is capable of much better, although Justin Long will always be at home in shit like this), there isn’t one thing about this waste of time that I can recommend. Suffice to say, I got a free copy and it still wasn’t worth it. If this is the kind of thing that makes you chuckle, you might have already been lobotomized.

Rebirth

Sometimes, a film can suffer by being too similar to another film, whether by design or accident. Rebirth, about a boring, middle-management type who is given the opportunity to completely “reinvent” himself via a strange, invitation-only “seminar,” is basically The Game, for better or worse, with a few twists. The film certainly looks good and gathers up a reasonable amount of tension along the way: it also features typically standout performances from genre mainstays Adam Goldberg (simply superb) and Pat Healy. The biggest problem ends up being how familiar the whole thing is: if you don’t get the big “twist” before the main character does, I’m willing to wager you stopped paying attention, which is a perfectly suitable reaction. Decent but distinctly middle-of-the-road and light on actual horror.

The Greasy Strangler

Sometimes, you know right off the bat whether a film is for you: this is one of those films. Grungy, gross, cringe-worthy, awkward, weird, silly and, above all, absolutely amazing, The Greasy Strangler is the love child of Herschell Gordon Lewis and John Waters, conceived in a filthy Times Square bathroom and raised on Twinkies, bathtub hooch and lots of grease. If the notion of a greasy old man with a huge, greasy prosthetic penis bothers you, walk on by. If the idea of a 5-minute scene where the leads yell “Bullshit artist” at each other sounds tedious, walk on by. If the very notion of a film that could best be described as the work of a brain-damaged Wes Anderson doesn’t sound like your cup of grease, walk on by. If you watch this and don’t feel anything, however, I have just one thing to say: “Bullshit artist!”

Ghostbusters (2016)

As someone who abhors remakes, in general, I was already predisposed to dislike the new Ghostbusters reboot on principle. On the other hand, I also genuinely like writer/director Paul Feig and think that Kristen Wiig and Kate McKinnon are amazing, especially when they’re allowed to cut loose. Turns out the only way to know, unlike plenty of internet ragers, was to actually watch the film. After all, if remakes are inevitable, they might as well be made by genuinely creative people, right?

As luck would have it, the film really isn’t very good but for reasons that have nothing to do with the cast (which is actually one of the film’s few saving graces) and everything to do with most modern, mega-budget tentpole films: the new Ghostbusters is a heavy-handed CGI spectacle that is ridiculously colorful and “cool” but as empty and pointless as a carnival ride. Everything is spoon-fed, every hand held. It dials down the horror aspect of the original almost completely: the terrifying Zuul setpiece has been replaced by a silly, action-packed Times Square segment that owes more to The Avengers than the original Ghostbusters. The film is ridiculously overlong and bloated (well over two hours in the version I watched). The script is pointedly unfunny (particularly odd considering Feig and the cast’s largely comedy background) and the film manages to be an uncomfortable mix of blatant fan-service (much of the original cast make silly, unrelated cameos, along with characters like Slimer and Stay Puft) and snarky critique of the original, much of which seems to be aimed at the mouth-breathing, bro-dog bloggers who blasted the film before it even started shooting. There was plenty of potential for this cast and creative team to deliver gold: we got pyrite, at best.

The Hoarder

Easily one of the most pleasant surprises of the year, this was a sleeper, in the very best sense. A woman and her friend go to a storage facility, before closing, in order to retrieve a particular item. They misread the key and get into the wrong (very wrong) storage unit, kicking off a chain of events that’s much smarter, eerier and well-realized than these kinds of films usually are. The production values and cinematography are really good, the acting is consistently strong and the film is disturbing without being overly gory. One of the better indie horrors of the year.

The Shallows

Sort of All is Lost, if Robert Redford were replaced by Blake Lively and the boat was replaced by a ridiculously cool, evil shark. Quite good, full of tense, well-staged sequences and more than a few bits of full-on horror, along with a supremely cute seagull named Steven, this was the epitome of a good popcorn film. Lively is great as the potentially doomed surfer, despite being saddled with a few too many syrupy dramatic moments: she plays the role with a combination of steely determination and whistful flightiness that makes her character one of the more likeable of the summer. That shark, though…when ol’ dead eyes gets his murder instinct up, he’s quite the pulpy cinematic creation and easily one of the better villains of the year.

The Darkness

As a rule, this year’s horror-related theatrical offerings have been pretty weak, quality-wise, which ends up making Greg McClean’s The Darkness one of the better ones, ironically. Kevin Bacon and Radha Mitchell are predicatably solid, the opening is strong, the general concept is certainly original and the “creatures” are pretty great. That being said, the whole thing is also decidedly low stakes and non-lethal, making this PG-13 film more of a family-oriented title than anything else. Still a little hard to believe this is the mad genius behind Wolf Creek, though.

Terrortory

Another ultra-low budget film that ended up surprising me, in a good way, the horror anthology Terrortory actually had more spirit and good intentions than many mega-budget films I’ve seen. The concept is pretty killer (a particular township in America is home to every manner of monster, creepy occurance and urban legend possible, many of which end up as stories in the film), the effects are rather extraordinary, considering the poverty-row budget and each of the stories featured decent twists and plenty of genuinely creepy moments. The acting may have been a bit iffy (the Siren segment, in particular, is rough) and they overuse the generic woods setting a bit too much but this was consistently fun and never painful to sit through, even at its most amateurish. I may not want to live in the Terrortory full-time but I certainly wouldn’t mind another visit sometime.

Dark

Concerning a young woman suffering a mental breakdown in her apartment, during a city-wide blackout in New York, writer/director Nick Basile’s Dark never comes across as anything but a much lesser version of Polanski’s classic Repulsion. The film is never terrible, merely dull and uneventful, taking an extraordinarily long time to arrive at a punchline that most genre fans will see coming a mile away. The LGBT themes are refreshing (horror films rarely feature gay or lesbian lead characters), to be sure, and the flashlit apartment stairwells and lofts make for some suitably creepy locations. At the end of the day, however, Dark is never more than functional and obvious, qualities that it shares with a few too many films for comfort.

Coming soon: Week Three of the 31 Days of Halloween. Stay tuned, folks!