The Year in Horror (2016) – The Worst of Times

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2016, B.C. Butcher, Bunni, cinema, Darkweb, Dead 7, Den of Darkness, film reviews, films, Ghost Team, horror, horror films, JeruZalem, Martyrs, Movies, Paranormal Sex Tape, The Before Time, The Boy, The Final Project, The Forest, Voodoo Rising, worst of 2016

There’s no denying that 2016 was a great year for horror cinema but every coin has two sides. Before we get to the very best that the year had to offer, it bears taking a look at the other side of the coin: the very worst of calendar year 2016.

Out of the 179 horror films I screened in 2016, I classified 40 of them as terrible: of those 40, I’ve managed to whittle the list down to the top 15 offenders, the group of 2016 horror films that I would classify as the “worst of the worst,” at least based on what I screened. Bear one thing in mind: none of the films on this list committed the sin of being merely humdrum, dull or average: this were overachievers, in the same way that the top 20 films overachieved. In that spirit, then, I present you with the 15 worst horror films of 2016, in no particular order. View at your own risk.

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The Forest

This came out at the beginning of the year and set the tone for the worst that 2016 horror would offer: glossy visuals, lame jump scares, loud musical stingers, zero genuine frights, unlikable characters and reckless squandering of great concepts/locations. There’s something so generic and processed about this lifeless story of a woman investigating the disappearance of her sister in Japan’s legendary Aokigahara Forest that you might feel as if time has stopped if you’re unlucky enough to sit through it. While there were certainly gems to be found in this year’s crop of mainstream, multiplex horror films, The Forest was most certainly not one of them.

JeruZalem

Found-footage nonsense that somehow manages to make a Biblical apocalypse in Jerusalem as interesting as paint drying. Loathsome characters run around the city, fleeing from angels, demons and any semblance of common sense possible. This reminded me of As Above, So Below, which is definitely not a compliment.

The Boy

Even without the astoundingly terrible “twist,” The Boy would proudly represent the nadir of mainstream horror in this calendar year if it didn’t have so much competition. This was the kind of goofball thing that began as a head-scratching concept (a naive young woman is hired by the kind of sinister old couple that belong in House of the Devil to babysit their young son, who happens to be a wooden doll), devolved into dumb Blumhouse jump scares and then came full circle to a resolution that is so howlingly stupid, I fully expected the cast of SNL to jump out and start doing the robot.

The Before Time

Another dead-on-arrival found footage film that would be casually offensive if it weren’t so thoroughly inept and forgettable. Irritating reporters head to the desert, uncover evil, yadda yadda yadda. Like most of the film’s on the list, this was an absolute chore to get through.

Martyrs

Proudly taking the title of “Most Pointless Remake” from Gus van Sant’s shot-for-shot Psycho redux, this American redo of the classic New Wave of French horror gut-punch manages to bleed all the power, intensity and repulsive beauty from the original, leaving nothing but a hollow shell and the basic story beats. The original Martyrs might not have been everyone’s cup of tea but the remake isn’t even a cup of warm water.

Abattoir

I fully expected Darren Lynn Bousman’s Abattoir to be one of my favorite films of the year and yet here it sits on my least favorite list. What went wrong? The film starts with a fantastic concept (a genteel madman, played by the formidable Dayton Callie, goes around and “collects” various rooms that have hosted terrible crimes in order to build the ultimate haunted house) and then works as hard as it can to destroy any good will garnered from said killer idea. At the end, we’re left with a piss-poor imitation of John Carpenter’s In the Mouth of Madness when we could have had a completely new, totally cool horror franchise for the new millennia.

The Final Project

Another found footage film (notice a trend here?) that details the exploits of a group of obnoxious film students on a haunted plantation. The lack of scares wouldn’t be a problem if anything else in this worked. As such, though, we’re pretty much left with video cam footage of a bunch of young jerks goofing around, followed by some cheap, dollar store effects.

Bunni

No-budget dreck about a mama’s boy and his killer mama feels like a bad student film (the lighting, in particular, is atrocious) and does nothing in its relatively short run time to alleviate that impression. I’ll be honest: I could elaborate but that’s just about what this particular situation calls for…short, sweet and to the point.

Ghost Team

Painfully unfunny “comedy” that features people like Justin Long, Jon Heder and Amy Sedaris (who really should know better) mugging their way through a tissue-paper-thin haunted house story that isn’t so much Scooby Doo as Scooby Dumb. As bad as the films on this list might be, there were few that I disliked as immediately and intensely as this waste of resources.

Darkweb

This film satisfies a very small but, I’m sure, extremely dedicated niche market: those folks who revel in the humiliation of Danny Glover. If you harbor some sort of pathological hatred for the esteemed actor, Darkweb will be like manna from heaven. For anyone who doesn’t want to watch poor Danny Glover shout, flail his arms, cuss like a sailor and generally act like a complete idiot, however, this pathetic Hostel clone will offer nothing more than odd ethnic stereotypes, unconvincing performances and some truly goofy setpieces. Awkward, to say the least.

B.C. Butcher

Impossibly stupid Troma goof about a Cro Magnon killer who targets a group of cave women, this features Kato Kaelin in a loincloth diaper, which should tell you all you need to know. The only redeeming feature to this mess is that it clocks in at under an hour, which is pretty faint praise, indeed.

Dead 7

Asylum-esque horror-Western that features former members of ’90s-’00s-era boy bands fighting zombies in a post-Apocalyptic setting and is about as convincing as a kindergarten presentation of Glengarry Glenn Ross. I’ll admit that I’m not the target audience for something like this and I did, for a time, try to keep an open mind. At the end of the day, though, this is in the same wheelhouse as the Sharknado movies and there’s only so much intentional stupidity I can take.

Voodoo Rising

Many films that I screened in 2016 shared similarities with Voodoo Rising: amateur actors struggling to deliver lines in a convincing manner, an inability to propel the story forward in a timely fashion, a tiring familiarity that telegraphed every single “twist” and “turn” in the narrative. Few films managed to double-down on these failings with as much conviction as this one, however, earning it a spot with this esteemed group of peers.

Den of Darkness

The “den” in the title refers to a Girl Scout troupe and the “darkness” refers to the hysterical blindness that has befallen the den mother after one of her college-age (?) charges accidentally falls off a cliff. The house she moves into might be haunted or her shithead husband might be trying to gaslight her. If you have any doubts, after reading the above, that Den of Darkness is a truly terrible film, let me lay them to rest: it is a truly terrible film.

Paranormal Sex Tape

This bears the distinction of being the first film in years that I haven’t been able to get through without judicious use of the frame-forward button, so at the very least you know this left an impression. Only nominally a film, this is actually a loosely edited series of walking scenes, broken up by really bad softcore porn and non-actors improvising awkward “dialogue” that makes Ed Wood read like Chaucer. I have no idea what it was about, a fact that I doubt would have been clarified had I managed to watch every one of its 70-some minutes.

The 31 Days of Halloween (2016): 10/8-10/14

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31 Days of Halloween, Antibirth, Bunni, cinema, Dark, film reviews, films, Ghost Team, Ghostbusters, Halloween, Halloween traditions, horror, horror films, I Am Not a Serial Killer, Movies, October, Phantasm, Rebirth, Terrortory, The Alchemist Cookbook, The Darkness, The Greasy Strangler, The Hoarder, The Neon Demon, The Shallows

With no fanfare, I now present Week Two of the 31 Days of Halloween. The fifteen films below represent quite the gamut, from old classics to modern rubbish. The only uniting factor? They’re all horror (give or take) and they were all screened between October 8th and October 14th. On to the films!

The Alchemist Cookbook

Joel Potrykus’ insane Buzzard (Holden Caulfield with Krueger claws, stickin’ it to the phonies and getting frighteningly metaphysical) was one of my very favorite films of last year, so the wait for his follow-up, The Alchemist Cookbook, was nothing short of excruciating. Good thing it’s just as amazing, insane and mind-blowing. Imagine, if you can, a world where Evil Dead, Repulsion, A Field in England and the Sorceror’s Apprentice segment of Fantasia are all the same film. Easy, right? Now imagine that Mickey is a mentally unbalanced, potentially dangerous loner who just discovered either the secret to turning lead into gold or a portal straight into Hell. Or not. The beauty of Potrykus’ latest is that you just don’t know, right up until the point where he pulls the tablecloth off, leaving every last bit of crystalware standing, unmoved. As expected, one of my favorite films of the year, hands down.

I Am Not a Serial Killer

If there’s one thing you can’t call Irish writer/director Billy O’Brien’s coming-of-age/supernatural thriller I Am Not a Serial Killer, it would definitely have to be “middle-of-the-road.” The Isolation auteur’s latest involves a small-town teen (the absolutely astounding Max Records, who deserves an acting nomination) who must discover what dark force has been murdering the locals, all while surpressing his own, burgeoning psychopathic tendencies. The scene where Max calmly explains how he just starts complimenting people whenever he thinks about killing them, right before profusely complimenting the town bully, is an absolute masterstroke. Toss in Christopher Lloyd as a kindly old neighbor with a terrible secret, some genuinely disturbing violence and a creature design that’s suitably weird and you have the makings of a pretty fantastic little film. There’s also a nice streak of gallows’ humor that runs through the proceedings, lightening the mood considerably.

The Neon Demon

Full disclosure: I’m a pretty huge fanboy when it comes to Nicolas Winding Refn: I’ve dearly loved every one of his films that I’ve seen, from the extraordinary, magical-realism of Bronson to the “too cool for school” style over substance of Drive and Only God Forgives. Hell, I absolutely adore Valhalla Rising and that one’s even a tough sell for art film fans. This is all by way of saying that I really disliked his newest, The Neon Demon, almost to the point of actively hating the film. Tedious, silly, obvious and rather obnoxious, Refn approaches this moldy tale of the fashion industry literally chewing up and spitting out young women like he has something new to add, only to come up with something that feels like a lesser version of Starry Eyes. While the film looks absolutely stunning (from the glitter-imbued opening credits all the way through the Grand Guignol model shoot that ends the film, The Neon Demon is, without a doubt, one of the best looking films I’ve ever seen), it’s as empty as a foam mannequin head. Easily one of the biggest disappointments of the entire year.

Phantasm: Remastered

Even when new films are on the agenda, you still have to sneak a few classics in: that’s just tradition. Don Coscarelli’s Phantasm has always been one of my favorite films (the series, not so much), so watching it in a glorious, cleaned-up, 4K transfer is pretty damn awesome. The film is still as weird and nonsensical as it ever was (Demon Jawas? Creepy, trans-dimensional undertakers? Reggie?!) but it now looks better than ever. If you’re an old fan, be sure not to skip this remaster: it’s absolutely worth another look.

Bunni

I’ve seen a lot of truly terrible, bottom-of-the-barrel crap this year but Bunni earned it’s spot at the bottom with an ease that is truly scary. The film looks like shit, the actors aren’t (and never will be, I’m guessing), it’s impossibly tedious, has zero wit, invention or brains and seems to have been edited by someone who graduated from the Ed Wood School of Film and Stuff. It’s also only a little over an hour long, excluding credits, which ends up being the only bright spot, ironically. I have seen quite a few zero budget 2016 horror films that managed to be clever, unique, fun and interesting, despite their shortcomings. By comparison, watching Bunni is like willingly slamming your thumb in a door, over and over, for the better part of an hour. My advice? Don’t.

Antibirth

Some films dip a toe in the weird end of the pool and some films dive right in with gusto: writer/director Danny Perez’ Antibirth is a diver, through and through. Any mere description will fail to touch on just how fundamentally weird this is but here goes: after a wild night of drinkin’ and druggin,’ local burn-out Lou (the impossibly awesome and perfect Natashsa Lyonne, in a truly award-winning performance) wakes up sick, foggy and, apparently, very pregnant. With the help of her best friend, Sadie (the equally radical and amazing Chloe Sevigny), Lou must find what, exactly, happened to her before something even worse happens. By turns hilarious, sad, really weird, gross and a little frustrating, Antibirth isn’t as amazing and outrageous as it could have been but Lyonne and Sevigny make a dynamite combo and the finale will go down as one of the most unforgetttable, unpleasant and amazing things I’ve ever seen. It’s also great to see a horror film that not only focuses on female characters but also on female relationships, dynamics, gender issues and themes. Not perfect, by any means, but pretty darn cool.

Ghost Team

Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? This “comedy” about a team of amateur ghosthunters is terrible…absolutely wretched. Caustically unfunny (it actually made me angry), smug, stupid, obvious, manic, idiotic and a complete waste of a rather serviceable cast (Jon Heder is capable of much better, although Justin Long will always be at home in shit like this), there isn’t one thing about this waste of time that I can recommend. Suffice to say, I got a free copy and it still wasn’t worth it. If this is the kind of thing that makes you chuckle, you might have already been lobotomized.

Rebirth

Sometimes, a film can suffer by being too similar to another film, whether by design or accident. Rebirth, about a boring, middle-management type who is given the opportunity to completely “reinvent” himself via a strange, invitation-only “seminar,” is basically The Game, for better or worse, with a few twists. The film certainly looks good and gathers up a reasonable amount of tension along the way: it also features typically standout performances from genre mainstays Adam Goldberg (simply superb) and Pat Healy. The biggest problem ends up being how familiar the whole thing is: if you don’t get the big “twist” before the main character does, I’m willing to wager you stopped paying attention, which is a perfectly suitable reaction. Decent but distinctly middle-of-the-road and light on actual horror.

The Greasy Strangler

Sometimes, you know right off the bat whether a film is for you: this is one of those films. Grungy, gross, cringe-worthy, awkward, weird, silly and, above all, absolutely amazing, The Greasy Strangler is the love child of Herschell Gordon Lewis and John Waters, conceived in a filthy Times Square bathroom and raised on Twinkies, bathtub hooch and lots of grease. If the notion of a greasy old man with a huge, greasy prosthetic penis bothers you, walk on by. If the idea of a 5-minute scene where the leads yell “Bullshit artist” at each other sounds tedious, walk on by. If the very notion of a film that could best be described as the work of a brain-damaged Wes Anderson doesn’t sound like your cup of grease, walk on by. If you watch this and don’t feel anything, however, I have just one thing to say: “Bullshit artist!”

Ghostbusters (2016)

As someone who abhors remakes, in general, I was already predisposed to dislike the new Ghostbusters reboot on principle. On the other hand, I also genuinely like writer/director Paul Feig and think that Kristen Wiig and Kate McKinnon are amazing, especially when they’re allowed to cut loose. Turns out the only way to know, unlike plenty of internet ragers, was to actually watch the film. After all, if remakes are inevitable, they might as well be made by genuinely creative people, right?

As luck would have it, the film really isn’t very good but for reasons that have nothing to do with the cast (which is actually one of the film’s few saving graces) and everything to do with most modern, mega-budget tentpole films: the new Ghostbusters is a heavy-handed CGI spectacle that is ridiculously colorful and “cool” but as empty and pointless as a carnival ride. Everything is spoon-fed, every hand held. It dials down the horror aspect of the original almost completely: the terrifying Zuul setpiece has been replaced by a silly, action-packed Times Square segment that owes more to The Avengers than the original Ghostbusters. The film is ridiculously overlong and bloated (well over two hours in the version I watched). The script is pointedly unfunny (particularly odd considering Feig and the cast’s largely comedy background) and the film manages to be an uncomfortable mix of blatant fan-service (much of the original cast make silly, unrelated cameos, along with characters like Slimer and Stay Puft) and snarky critique of the original, much of which seems to be aimed at the mouth-breathing, bro-dog bloggers who blasted the film before it even started shooting. There was plenty of potential for this cast and creative team to deliver gold: we got pyrite, at best.

The Hoarder

Easily one of the most pleasant surprises of the year, this was a sleeper, in the very best sense. A woman and her friend go to a storage facility, before closing, in order to retrieve a particular item. They misread the key and get into the wrong (very wrong) storage unit, kicking off a chain of events that’s much smarter, eerier and well-realized than these kinds of films usually are. The production values and cinematography are really good, the acting is consistently strong and the film is disturbing without being overly gory. One of the better indie horrors of the year.

The Shallows

Sort of All is Lost, if Robert Redford were replaced by Blake Lively and the boat was replaced by a ridiculously cool, evil shark. Quite good, full of tense, well-staged sequences and more than a few bits of full-on horror, along with a supremely cute seagull named Steven, this was the epitome of a good popcorn film. Lively is great as the potentially doomed surfer, despite being saddled with a few too many syrupy dramatic moments: she plays the role with a combination of steely determination and whistful flightiness that makes her character one of the more likeable of the summer. That shark, though…when ol’ dead eyes gets his murder instinct up, he’s quite the pulpy cinematic creation and easily one of the better villains of the year.

The Darkness

As a rule, this year’s horror-related theatrical offerings have been pretty weak, quality-wise, which ends up making Greg McClean’s The Darkness one of the better ones, ironically. Kevin Bacon and Radha Mitchell are predicatably solid, the opening is strong, the general concept is certainly original and the “creatures” are pretty great. That being said, the whole thing is also decidedly low stakes and non-lethal, making this PG-13 film more of a family-oriented title than anything else. Still a little hard to believe this is the mad genius behind Wolf Creek, though.

Terrortory

Another ultra-low budget film that ended up surprising me, in a good way, the horror anthology Terrortory actually had more spirit and good intentions than many mega-budget films I’ve seen. The concept is pretty killer (a particular township in America is home to every manner of monster, creepy occurance and urban legend possible, many of which end up as stories in the film), the effects are rather extraordinary, considering the poverty-row budget and each of the stories featured decent twists and plenty of genuinely creepy moments. The acting may have been a bit iffy (the Siren segment, in particular, is rough) and they overuse the generic woods setting a bit too much but this was consistently fun and never painful to sit through, even at its most amateurish. I may not want to live in the Terrortory full-time but I certainly wouldn’t mind another visit sometime.

Dark

Concerning a young woman suffering a mental breakdown in her apartment, during a city-wide blackout in New York, writer/director Nick Basile’s Dark never comes across as anything but a much lesser version of Polanski’s classic Repulsion. The film is never terrible, merely dull and uneventful, taking an extraordinarily long time to arrive at a punchline that most genre fans will see coming a mile away. The LGBT themes are refreshing (horror films rarely feature gay or lesbian lead characters), to be sure, and the flashlit apartment stairwells and lofts make for some suitably creepy locations. At the end of the day, however, Dark is never more than functional and obvious, qualities that it shares with a few too many films for comfort.

Coming soon: Week Three of the 31 Days of Halloween. Stay tuned, folks!